When Your Peers Become Your Team
By Sophie Makonnen
Before starting my coaching practice, a close friend called after being promoted to a management role in her unit. She would now supervise colleagues she socialized with daily. Excited and confident, she assumed the transition would be easy. She knew everyone. They were great colleagues. What could go wrong?
A few months later, she was at HR dealing with difficult cases regarding certain of her team members. She hired a coach because she wanted to approach things differently. A few weeks later, she came back to me and said: here is what I got wrong: “I downplayed my authority”, “I did not set clear expectations or be explicit about what the team needed”, “I gave vague, indirect feedback”, and “I let problems accumulate without addressing them”. Quite a list. It took courage to say that out loud.
Now, as a coach, I understand what she triedto do in those first few months in her new role: maintain the rapport she had built over the years, not damage relationships that mattered to her, while still holding people accountable and showing up as a credible leader. Those are not small things to hold at once. And without a clear approach, the tension between them quietly took over.
The main lesson: stepping into leadership with former peers requires clarity, explicit expectations, and a willingness to navigate discomfort.
When the Relationship Changes Whether You Name It or Not
Getting promoted within your own team can be a disorienting transition in a leadership career. Not because the work is unfamiliar, but because the relationships are familiar. You know these people. You have complained about the same meetings, celebrated the same wins, and covered for each other on bad days. That history is real, and it does not disappear the moment your title changes.
What changes is the dynamic. Familiar relationships enter new territory. This is where new managers sometimes get stuck. They assume that if they stay warm and accessible, and avoid awkwardness, the transition will sort itself out. It rarely does. The relationship has shifted, whether you acknowledge it or not. The question is not whether things will be different. It is whether you will name it or leave your team to figure it out on their own.
Silence does not preserve the friendship. Instead, it creates confusion about boundaries, decision-makers, and expectations. Over time, that confusion erodes both relationships and your credibility as a leader.
There is another transition happening, one that is less visible but crucial: fully taking on a leadership role. To lead, your team must see you as the person in charge, and you must see yourself that way. These processes are intertwined. Downplaying your role, softening decisions, or seeking constant reassurance sends mixed signals and delays your authority. This delay seems apparent to the team, especially if you seek assurance or wait for consensus rather than decide. Consulting your team is valuable, but issues arise when consultation avoids commitment. Leadership requires taking a position, making decisions, and accepting discomfort. That is what your team expects to see.
A harder scenario deserves mention: the colleague who believed, or even said openly, that they should have had the position instead. They may have applied and not been selected. They may believe the process was unfair or think politics or favor played a role. Whether that perception is accurate matters less than what it adds to the room. When you sense that resentment, even if never stated, it becomes harder to hold your ground. The urge to over-explain, soften decisions, or seek approval gets stronger. Name this as part of the complexity.
The urge to please, avoid, or stay liked rarely comes from nowhere.
What Tends to Go Wrong
In coaching, a few patterns come up repeatedly when managers are navigating this transition. They are worth naming directly.
Downplaying the new role to keep the peace. This can sound like "nothing really changes between us" or "I'm still the same person." The intention is kindness. The impact is that no one, including you, knows where they stand. You cannot lead from a position you have not claimed. Instead, own your new role with clarity and confidence; make it clear where you stand and invite others to do the same.
Giving vague or softened feedback because the relationship feels too important to risk. When you know someone well, honest feedback can feel like a betrayal. So it gets wrapped in so many qualifications that the message disappears. The person walks away thinking everything is fine. It is not.
Avoiding hard conversations by telling yourself you will handle it later. Later has a way of becoming never. And the longer a performance issue or a behavioural pattern goes unaddressed, the harder it becomes to raise it without it feeling like an ambush. Key takeaway: Address tough topics promptly to prevent escalation and tension.
Seeking approval from former peers instead of making decisions. This one is subtle. It shows up as over-explaining, consulting the team more than necessary, or waiting for consensus before moving forward. There is a difference between inclusive leadership and needing your team to validate your choices. Key takeaway: Practice inclusive leadership while making decisions confidently without waiting for team validation.
When Resistance Shows Up
"Not everyone will make the transition smoothly. Some team members will adapt quickly. Others will take longer. And a few may resist your leadership in ways that are worth being prepared for.
Liane Davey, writing in Harvard Business Review in her article What to Do First When Managing Former Peers, identifies some of the resistance patterns that new managers are least prepared for. Two are worth naming directly."
The most common is passive resistance. It rarely announces itself. You see it as disengagement in meetings, monosyllabic answers, or body language that signals refusal without ever stating it out loud. The instinct is often to ignore it and hope it resolves on its own. It rarely does. Name it privately and directly, without making it a confrontation. Something as simple as: 'I have noticed you seem disengaged in our recent meetings. I would like to understand what is going on.' This conversation is uncomfortable. But it stops the pattern before it spreads.
The harder situation is when resistance becomes collective. Several people validate each other's grievances and start working around you rather than with you. They may quietly undermine decisions after they have been made. Often, by the time this is visible, it has already shaped how the team functions. When you see this, address it: start with individuals, then talk with the group if needed. Be direct about what you observe and what you expect. If you have contributed, name it. Accountability in both directions is not a weakness. It makes the direct conversation credible.
What Actually Helps
The good news is that none of this requires you to become a different person or abandon the relationships you have built. Instead, it requires clarity, consistency, and a willingness to have uncomfortable conversations early.
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Early in the transition, have a straightforward conversation with your team about what has shifted. Not a speech, not a performance. Something honest and simple: the role is different now, and you want to be clear about how you will work together going forward. This is not about asserting dominance. It is about removing ambiguity before it starts doing damage.
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You have an advantage most new managers lack: real knowledge of your team members’ thinking, motivations, and struggles. Use it to support and challenge them, and to have direct conversations. Don’t use it to avoid difficult ones.
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Closeness is no reason to lower the bar. If anything, people who know you well can handle more directness, not less. Vague feedback does not protect the relationship. It leaves people without the information they need to do their jobs well.
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Be warm and clear. You can care about someone and still address what is not working—these are not opposites. When managers handle this transition well, they separate behavior from the person and stay consistent regardless of history.
The Transition Is Already Leadership
Managing former peers is uncomfortable. Managing a close friend is harder. There is no version of this transition that feels entirely smooth, and anyone who tells you otherwise has probably not done it yet.
The discomfort is not a sign that something is wrong. It means something real is being asked of you. Leading people who knew you before you had the title is a challenge. They will test boundaries, often without meaning to. They will take cues from your actions in the first few weeks and months.
The rapport you built before the promotion is not lost. However, you must be proactive in renegotiating that relationship. Remember, this work is your responsibility as the new leader.
Two questions worth sitting with: what conversation have you been postponing because it feels too risky, and what is that silence already costing you ? And separately: where are you still waiting for permission to lead that you already have the authority to exercise?
One thing that helps, and that many managers only seek out after something has gone wrong, is having someone outside the situation to think with. A mentor who has navigated similar terrain can offer perspective that colleagues inside the organisation cannot. A coach can help you see your own patterns more clearly, including the ones that are working against you without your noticing. Looking for support is not a sign that the transition is failing. It is a sign that you are taking the change seriously.
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