Working With Boundaries
By Sophie Makonnen
What Are Boundaries, Really? And Why Are They So Hard at Work?
You know the moment.
It’s 8:17 p.m. The meeting ran long. You’re still at your laptop, answering an email that wasn’t urgent, except you’re afraid that not answering might be read the wrong way. You tell yourself: I’ll say something next time. I just need to get through this week.
But when “next time” arrives, the days have already filled up, overflowing, as always. So much for all my resolutions on a better work-life balance.
Boundaries aren’t just about time management. They’re about how we protect our energy, our priorities, and our presence. They’re about how we say: This is what I need to do my best work, and stay well while doing it.
The problem? Boundaries often go invisible until they’re crossed. And in many workplaces, asserting limits can be perceived not as a desire to focus on our work, but as resistance. Saying no, scaling back, or even asking for role clarity can trigger doubts: Am I being difficult? Will this cost me opportunities?
Boundary-setting is rarely just about knowing our limits. It’s about navigating everything that comes with identifying them and wanting to do something about it. That’s where things tend to get complicated.
Not Just Confidence: Why Boundaries Need Other Skills
Boundary-setting is often framed as a question of confidence. We are told:
· Speak up!
· Be more assertive!
· Hold your ground!
And when we can’t quite do it, we quietly turn the blame inward — as if it’s just one more thing we should already know how to handle. Another skill to master. Another area where we’re not quite doing enough… 😞. However, in professional life, that advice tends to oversimplify the complexity of real-world dynamics. If setting boundaries were simply a matter of knowing our limits, many of us would find it far easier to do. The difficulty isn’t in noticing when we’re stretched too thin; it’s in navigating the layers.
It’s also about relational skill that calls for timing, judgment, and emotional intelligence. The way a boundary is received can depend as much on tone and context as on content. What works in one environment might backfire in another.
This complexity is heightened for those who are underrepresented in their teams or institutions. When credibility is harder to come by or more closely scrutinized, the perceived risks of naming a limit can feel higher. Boundaries may be seen not just as assertiveness but as a departure from expected norms.
This doesn’t mean boundaries are out of reach. It means they require more than a script. They require awareness of power, pace, and the informal rules that shape how things actually get done.
Saying No Isn’t Always a Real Option
In a past newsletter, we explored how uncomfortable it can be to say no at work, especially when it risks being misunderstood, judged, or overlooked. What makes it hard isn’t always the word itself. It’s what we imagine it might signal: that we’re not committed enough, not adaptable, not “can-do.” Not nice!
So we soften our no. We delay our response. We say, “I’ll try,” even when we know we can’t. We take on one more task, hoping it’ll be the last. But the issue isn’t that we’re too friendly or not assertive enough.
Learning to say no—clearly and selectively—isn’t about becoming less collaborative. It’s about working in a way that’s more intentional and more sustainable. A well-placed “no” helps you protect your time, your focus, and the quality of your work. Over time, it can help others better understand your role and perhaps even remind you of what you want to accomplish.
Cultural Norms Influence Boundary Expectations
If only setting boundaries came with a universal translator.
What sounds assertive in one place can come across as abrupt in another. A polite “no, thank you” might be respected in one context… and spark awkwardness in another.
The way we approach boundaries doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s shaped by culture, context, and lived experience. In some workplaces or communities, saying no is perceived as a confident and clear stance. In others, it can come across as cold or uncooperative, especially when there’s a strong emphasis on harmony, flexibility, or being seen as a team player.
This isn’t just about personalities. It’s also about the norms we have, often without realizing it. Researchers such as Geert Hofstede have explored how different cultures strike a balance between independence and interdependence. Many of us have internalized certain ideas about what it means to be respectful, helpful, or committed. These ideas are shaped by our history, our personality, our interests, and the environment or environments in which we grew up and evolved. That matters especially when one is working across cultures, roles, and expectations. What feels like a reasonable boundary to one person might feel abrupt or unfamiliar to another. And when you’re the one in the middle, trying to navigate both the emotional and cognitive load can have its challenges.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set limits. However, it does mean practicing boundaries with awareness of your context, your team, and yourself.
When blurry sets in …. Boundaries Need Help
When Good Intentions Go Unquestioned
Boundaries don’t usually vanish in one big moment. More often, they fade in quiet, incremental ways. A quick “yes” when you meant to pause. A reply to that late-night message, even though you were off the clock. Taking on a task outside your scope, not because you wanted to, but because saying no felt harder than just doing it.
These moments often stem from good intentions: a desire to be helpful, flexible, responsive, and to be seen as someone who follows through. But without clear language and consistent follow-through, those good intentions harden into assumptions. And those assumptions become patterns.
Over time, you may find yourself holding responsibilities you never agreed to, navigating expectations you didn’t set, and wondering when exactly the line moved, or if it was ever there in the first place.
When Holding the Line Isn't Just Up to You
In some settings overextension looks normal. They are structured in ways that quietly erode boundaries: urgency is rewarded, availability is seen as commitment, and success is often measured by who absorbs the most. Responsiveness is rewarded.
Messages arrive after hours with an expectation of a response. You agree on a project scope, but it stretches without discussion. You define your role, but others keep pulling you in “just for a quick input” because you’re dependable. After all, you’re good because you always deliver!
That doesn’t mean you stop trying. But it helps to shift the frame. When you find yourself renegotiating the same limit over and over, ask: Is this about me or about the context I’m in? What behaviours are being normalized here? Who gets protected from overload, and who’s expected to absorb it? These aren’t always questions you can solve alone. But naming them gives you back perspective and maybe a bit of power.
Signs Your Boundaries Might Be Blurred - Practicing Boundaries Starts Small
There’s no universal checklist, but here are some signals that often show up:
• You’re feeling consistently behind, even when you’re working at full capacity.
• You’re unsure what’s expected of you and find yourself saying yes to avoid conflict or ambiguity.
• You feel resentful about certain tasks or relationships but don’t see a clear path to address them.
• You’ve stopped asking yourself what works for you; you’re mostly managing around others’ needs.
These are not failures. They are invitations to pause and ask: Where is my time, energy, or attention going by default, and where do I want to be more intentional?
Practicing boundaries doesn’t have to start with a bold declaration. It can begin with clarity and consistency in small moments:
Clarifying deadlines and scope before agreeing to take something on.
Blocking time for focused work and protecting it from casual interruptions.
Choosing not to answer non-urgent messages outside of working hours and not apologizing for it.
Rephrasing your yes: “I can do this by Tuesday, but not before,” instead of “I’ll try to squeeze it in.”
As Joe Sanok describes in A Guide to Setting Better Boundaries, some boundaries are non-negotiable (“hard”), while others are aspirational (“soft”). That distinction can help clarify what needs to be firm and what can evolve over time.
Small shifts create a foundation. They signal to others and yourself that your boundaries are not about withdrawal, but about working well and sustainably.
You don’t have to get it perfect. There’s no ideal script and no single right way to say no, clarify a role, or renegotiate expectations. What matters is that your actions reflect your intent and that you’re consistent enough to build trust around the limits you set.
That may mean adjusting your tone with different people or being more direct in some environments than others. It may mean setting a boundary gently and then reinforcing it more firmly later. The goal isn’t to create distance; it’s to develop mutual understanding.
When Recalibrating, Expect Some Pushback
Boundaries at work sometimes encounter friction. Not because people are always acting in bad faith, but because they are used to a certain version of you: the one who says yes, makes it work, stays late, steps in. When that version starts to shift, people notice—and some may push back.
Pushback doesn’t always come in direct opposition. Sometimes it shows up as subtle disappointment or gentle pressure to “just help this once.” It can feel easier to back down than to risk tension.
Holding your ground isn’t about being rigid. It’s about reinforcing the clarity you’ve already established. This might sound like a calm, simple follow-up: ‘As I mentioned earlier, I’m not available after 6,’ or ‘Let’s revisit the original agreement before moving ahead.’” These can reset expectations without escalation. In certain settings, they can become ongoing negotiations with your environment, your role, and your capacity. It can be exhausting, but the alternative (not setting boundaries) was not working.
As Sanok puts it, when boundaries are ignored or repeatedly overridden, it’s not just exhausting, it can breed resentment. That tension is often misinterpreted as burnout or withdrawal, when it’s the result of repeated overload without adequate recalibration.
Boundaries are not one-time declarations. If others are slow to adjust, it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re doing something that challenges the rhythm they were used to.
The Emotional Work Behind the Practice
Holding a boundary at work can feel straightforward on the surface, but the emotional weight of doing it is often what makes it difficult. You might worry about seeming uncooperative, about disrupting relationships you've worked hard to build, or about being seen as someone who is no longer "all in." You might wonder whether the line you're drawing will be respected or quietly penalized. These concerns are particularly real in workplaces where visibility and likability are tied to opportunities.
What makes this more complicated is that boundary-setting can feel unfamiliar, especially for those who have built credibility by being helpful, responsive, and available.
This doesn't mean boundaries are the problem. It simply means they can carry emotional weight, especially when they signal a change in how we've typically presented ourselves. That shift can feel uncomfortable even when you consider it necessary.
This is where emotional support matters. You don’t have to navigate all of it alone. Sometimes it helps to name what you’re trying to shift with someone you trust—a peer, a mentor, a coach or even a colleague who’s navigating similar challenges. Reflecting together can bring clarity and reduce the self-doubt that often comes with going against the grain.
This is Where I Stop
Boundaries are not about being inflexible. They are about being intentional.
There's often more praise for being available than for being discerning. But over time, saying yes to everything makes it harder to show up fully for anything.
There is no single way to get this right. However, the effort itself—the slowing down, the noticing, the recalibrating—is part of what makes you a thoughtful, steady presence in complex spaces.
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