Likable or Respected? Why You Don’t Have to Choose
By Sophie Makonnen
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Have you ever found yourself agreeing to something at work—not because it felt right, but because you didn’t want to upset anyone? Maybe you said yes to another task you didn’t have time for, softened your message to avoid discomfort, or held back from giving honest feedback in the name of “being nice.” If so, you’re not alone.
Many of us have been taught—formally or informally—that being thoughtful, agreeable, and easy to work with is a virtue. And in many ways, it is. Being considerate can help foster trust, collaboration, and a positive team culture. But when the desire to be liked becomes a default way of operating—especially in roles that require clarity, accountability, and decision-making—it can quietly erode our leadership.
This dynamic occurs across all genders but is especially common among women. From an early age, many girls are socialized to prioritize harmony, helpfulness, and emotional sensitivity. These traits are often rewarded in school and later reinforced in the workplace, especially in roles that emphasize support over strategy.
As a result, women may find themselves more frequently caught in the tug-of-war between being perceived as “nice” and being seen as strong.
This is where the tension emerges: is it better to be liked or respected?
The Appeal and Cost of Being Liked
Being likable in collaborative, mission-driven environments—like international development, social impact or humanitarian work, or multilateral institutions—often feels like a professional asset. Likability helps build rapport, smooths over cultural differences and contributes to harmony across complex teams and stakeholder groups. It reinforces the idea that you're a good team player—reliable, approachable, and easy to work with.
Wanting to be helpful, accommodating, or agreeable usually comes from a positive place: a desire to support your colleagues, avoid unnecessary conflict, or create a sense of cohesion. Especially in high-pressure environments where teams are under-resourced, stepping up to do more can feel like the only choice. But over time, this approach can quietly work against you.
It's not wrong to want to be liked. Likability can build trust, open dialogue, and create a sense of connection within a team. But when the desire to be liked begins to drive your choices—when it silences your voice, clouds your judgment, or pushes you into overextension—it's no longer helpful. It's holding you back… even if you are stretched beyond your limits!
Trying to be liked in every situation can erode clarity in decision-making. It can make you susceptible to guilt-based manipulation or push you into roles that aren't aligned with your strengths or your capacity. People-pleasing can also breed emotional exhaustion. You say yes to things you don't have time for, then pay for it later in the form of missed family moments, poor sleep, or a general sense of depletion. Over time, it creates what I call resentment fatigue—the slow, draining feeling that your generosity is being quietly taken for granted.
I've been there.
Years ago, I was asked to supervise a new project after the staff member responsible had left unexpectedly. We were short-staffed in a high-security country where recruiting locally wasn't an option. I was known for getting things done, so I was "volunteered" to take it on—even though the project wasn't in my area of expertise.
I threw myself into it, learned quickly, earned the team’s respect, and the project continued on its path. The implementing team was excellent, they not only managed the situation well, but they also managed me with patience and good humor ! I’m grateful for that. But it took a toll. I had a 10-year-old and a 15-year-old at home—the latter in full “discovering the world” mode (read: testing boundaries like it was his full-time job)—and I was a single parent managing it all alongside an already full workload. I didn’t push back. I went into problem-solving mode and got it done. What should have been six months turned into three years.
Looking back, saying no would have been difficult —because the situation was genuinely dire, and we needed to band together—but I should have put guardrails in place was glad to be part of the solution. Still, the added responsibility came with a cost. It would have been reasonable to ask for shared support—perhaps someone from HQ to help carry the decision-making load, or a more straightforward plan to revisit the arrangement within a set period of time. Not to push the burden onto others, but to recognize that stepping up shouldn't mean stepping over my limits.
But I didn't say any of that. I said nothing—because I didn't want to seem uncooperative.
The Pull to Please – Why It’s So Hard to Let Go (and How to Change the Dynamic)
The urge to please isn’t just about being nice. For many professionals—especially those known for being reliable, thoughtful, and collaborative—saying “yes” feels tied to who they are. Helping others becomes a marker of being a good person, a supportive colleague, a capable professional. And saying “no”—even when it’s the right thing to do—can feel like a moral failing.
There’s often an inner dialogue that sounds something like this: If I help everyone and make things easier for others, I’ll be seen as valuable. I’ll be appreciated. I’ll belong. Over time, this way of thinking becomes a quiet but persistent pressure to always be available, agreeable, and accommodating—no matter the cost.
And the costs are real.
People who fall into this pattern often hesitate to set boundaries—not because they don’t recognize the need, but because they genuinely worry about letting others down. They say yes when they’re already stretched thin. They volunteer when no one else does. They stay silent when something needs to be challenged, afraid of being seen as difficult or ungrateful.
These dynamics show up in subtle but draining ways:
Becoming the default emotional support for colleagues who offload their stress but rarely reciprocate.
Getting pulled into workplace dramas and wondering later why the same people always come to you.
Struggling to give honest feedback, even when necessary, for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or rocking the boat.
What begins as a strength—empathy, conscientiousness, generosity—can start to work against you when it’s not paired with discernment. Without boundaries, the desire to be helpful can quietly dilute your leadership voice, stretch your time too thin, and leave you feeling frustrated, unseen, or taken for granted.
Sometimes, it's not just about wanting to be liked—it's about how others perceive strength and leadership
Likability can also become a strategic adaptation—not because someone lacks conviction, but because they're managing the perceptions around them. Confidence and decisiveness may be seen as signs of leadership in some people, while in others, especially women, they're labelled as aggressive or unapproachable. The message is subtle but clear: dial it down to be more palatable. Navigating this double bind can push even seasoned professionals to soften their presence or dilute their authority—not because they question their own competence, but because they're aware of how it might be perceived. Unfortunately, conflating authority with intimidation is still common, not because leaders overstep, but because others are uncomfortable when authority doesn't look how they expect.
If you've recognized yourself in these patterns, you're not alone and are not stuck. The pull to please is especially strong in environments where harmony and helpfulness are quietly expected. The key is to pause and ask: What is essential right now? Is this part of my role? What can wait? Why am I saying yes to this? That clarity helps you set boundaries—not to shut others out, but to protect the energy you need to lead well.
That doesn’t mean flipping into bluntness or becoming unapproachable. It means leading with boundaries and self-awareness—without losing your warmth. Leadership isn’t about abandoning care or empathy. It’s about anchoring them in purpose, clarity, and mutual respect.
And here's something else to consider: the more senior your role, the more your success depends on other people's actions. Their motivation, effort, and willingness to follow your lead often hinge not only on your technical expertise but also on the way you relate to them. Ms. Nimon-Peters, in her article "The Psychology of How to Be Likable as a Leader," reminds us that we often underestimate how much a leader's likability influences team behavior, often more than their competency.
That doesn't mean you need to perform or be everyone's favorite. It suggests creating a sense of shared purpose—of "we"—has real value. When people feel seen, consulted, and genuinely respected, they're likelier to listen, contribute, and stay committed to the work. This is where respect begins to take root—not as a reaction to authority but as a reflection of how you show up. Respect isn't a replacement for likability—nor is it its opposite. It's a way of showing up that fosters trust over time. Not because you've smoothed things over but because you've been clear, steady, and fair. ...
Breaking the Habit – Building Respectful, Grounded Authority
And if exercising authority still feels uneasy, that doesn't mean you're not ready. It is something you grow into. And you need to give yourself permission to do so.
It means replacing reflexive yeses with intentional choices and redefining what "being a good colleague" looks like—starting with being a good colleague to yourself. Leadership isn't about always being available.
Replace automatic yeses with intentional ones. When a new request comes your way, pause. Ask: Do I have the capacity? Is this aligned with my role, values, or priorities? A thoughtful yes will always carry more weight than a rushed or resentful one.
Set supportive boundaries early. Boundaries are easier to establish upfront than to fix once they've been crossed. If you're taking on something extra, be clear about what you'll need to succeed—and for how long.
Practice saying no with grace and clarity. You don't need a dramatic refusal. Try: "I can't take that on right now, but I can suggest someone who might be able to." or "Given my current workload, I want to make sure I can give what I've already committed to my full attention."
Lead with honesty, even when it's hard. If something isn't working, say so—kindly, directly, and with the intention to improve things. You can care deeply and still give clear feedback. Your team will trust you more for it.
Anchor yourself in purpose. Return to the bigger picture. Ask yourself: Am I leading from values—or from fear of being seen as problematic? This quiet reflection can help you stay grounded when the pressure to please rises again.
You Don’t Have to Choose Between Kindness and Authority
Letting go of the pressure to please doesn’t make you cold, indifferent, or difficult. This doesn’t mean shutting down empathy or becoming overly rigid. The most respected leaders are often the ones who hold both compassion and clarity. They listen carefully but don’t compromise their values or judgment to avoid discomfort.
Being liked is great. But it’s not a reliable path to building a healthy work environment. It often comes with unspoken expectations—to smooth things over, absorb tension, or keep others comfortable at your expense. There are other ways to show care and build connections at work. Laying the ground for mutual respect, clarity, and consistency are just a few. We’ll explore these other ways of engaging in future blogs.
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