When Work Relationships Get Messy
By Sophie Makonnen
Some of the most complicated workplace challenges aren’t about the work itself, they’re about the people. The manager who shuts you down. The team member you can’t seem to motivate. The colleague who constantly undermines or drains you. In coaching, these challenges can show up as communication breakdowns, trust issues, power struggles, or just that constant feeling of walking on eggshells. But the question underneath is often the same: How do I work with someone I find difficult—whether they’re managing me, reporting to me, or sitting right beside me?
When it Reaches Coaching
By the time it surfaces in coaching, the person is often exhausted. They’ve tried being patient, taking the high road, but nothing seems to change, and now they’re feeling stuck, frustrated, even disillusioned. This emotional weight builds quietly and relentlessly, especially in mission-driven institutions where people are deeply committed to a purpose, but the systems around them don’t always support that care. Naming it isn’t complaining. It’s part of the work.
As a coach, I’m not there to judge or resolve the situation—I’m there to help the person in front of me make sense of something that feels genuinely challenging. I listen fully, while also keeping in mind that others may have a different take. But what my client is experiencing—whether it’s frustration, disappointment, or feeling worn down—is real. And it’s from that place that we begin the work. Often, what I hear isn’t just frustration—it’s a mix of disappointment, self-doubt, and the quiet resentment that comes from constantly trying to “be the bigger person.” That complexity matters. It’s rarely about who’s good or bad. It’s about what’s happening between people and what’s not being named.
And often, a sense of stuckness sits underneath that frustration, like they’ve run out of options. It’s not always about control. It’s about clarity: What can I actually influence here? What feels worth investing in, and what’s draining me? These kinds of questions help shift the focus from the other person’s behavior to the client’s own choices and boundaries.
This is where coaching shifts from venting to clarity.
Not: How do I get the other person to change?
There is hope
But what do I need in this situation? What can I influence? And how can I be part of the solution—even if the dynamic stays difficult?
Sometimes that shift means setting boundaries. Sometimes it means looking inward: Could there be something I’m not seeing? Something I’m contributing to, even unintentionally? And sometimes, it means considering the other person’s perspective—not as a way to excuse their behavior, but to ask: What story might they be living? We often interpret others’ actions through our own lens, without knowing what they’re responding to. Their behavior may be rooted in something very different from what we assume. It’s not about blame or excuses. It’s about self-leadership—and reclaiming choice in a situation that feels stuck.
This is where Amy Gallo’s work becomes such a helpful companion. In her book Getting Along, she offers nine principles to help you navigate these situations with greater perspective, clarity, and strength. These principles don’t promise to change the other person but help you regain your footing when things feel hard.
Nine Principles for Getting Along—Even When It’s Difficult
(Based on Chapter 11 of Amy Gallo’s Getting Along book)
1. Focus on What You Can Control
It's easy to obsess over what the other person is doing wrong. But that usually leads to frustration, not resolution. Instead, consider where you can act: Can you clarify your expectations? Set a boundary? Choose a different tone or timing. By turning your attention to what's within your sphere of influence, you shift from helplessness to agency.
2. Your Perspective Is Just One Perspective
We often believe our view is the most accurate—and it might be. But it's also partial. The other person sees the same situation through a different lens, shaped by their own experience, fears, and pressures. And just like us, they’re often just as convinced they are right. As I explored in this earlier piece on difficult conversations, it's easy to stop listening when both believe they see the whole picture. Recognizing that there’s more than one truth—not just in theory, but in lived experience—can soften judgment and open up room for real dialogue.
3. Be Aware of Your Biases
Our assumptions about people, especially those we find difficult, tend to harden over time. We look for evidence confirming our opinion and overlook what contradicts it. Reflect on what stories you're telling yourself. Are you labelling someone as "lazy," "controlling," or "unreliable"? Could those labels be oversimplifying something more complex?
4. Don't Make It "Me vs. Them"
When workplace tension feels personal, it's tempting to draw battle lines. However, this mindset limits collaboration and increases defensiveness. Shift from conflict to curiosity: What shared goals do we have? What values or outcomes might we both care about, even if we disagree on how to get there?
5. Rely on Empathy to See Things Differently
Empathy is not about excusing bad behavior but humanizing the other person. What pressure might they be under? What are they afraid of losing? Trying to imagine what they're navigating can soften your reactions and create space for a more grounded response.
6. Know Your Goal
When emotions run high, losing sight of what you want is easy. Are you trying to feel heard? Preserve a working relationship? Resolve a specific issue? Knowing your goal helps you stay focused and reduces the risk of getting caught up in unproductive arguments.
7. Avoid Gossip, Mostly
It's natural to want to talk things through. But venting can sometimes turn into rehearsing your anger or recruiting allies. Choose your confidants wisely. Look for people who help you reflect and reframe, not just confirm your frustration.
8. Experiment to Find What Works
If your usual way of handling the situation hasn't helped, it might be time to try something new. That doesn't mean compromising your values; it means being willing to adjust your delivery, your timing, or your expectations. A slight shift in approach can yield a significant change in outcome.
9. Stay Curious
Curiosity keeps you flexible. Instead of assuming you know the whole story, ask more questions. About the person. About yourself. About the system you're in. The more curious you stay, the more options you'll see—and the less likely you are to fall into rigid, reactive patterns.
Think of these principles as quiet tools for building bridges. Even a partial crossing can shift a stuck dynamic into a dynamic that feels more balanced and intentional.
Two Stories, Two Patterns
These two examples are inspired by real coaching work. They’re not exact replicas of any one person, but they reflect dynamics I’ve seen many times in different forms.
Carmen: The Excluded One
Maria is a technical specialist in a multilateral organization. She works long hours, comes prepared, and sincerely cares about her work. But she feels invisible. Her input is ignored, her name left off important emails, and her presence seemingly an afterthought.
"I've tried everything," she says. "And nothing changes."
She sees herself as the one making an effort. But over time, she's withdrawn, grown wary, and begun expecting to be sidelined. And the less she participates, the more others overlook her.
Relevant Principles for Carmen:
• Focus on What You Can Control: She can choose where to re-engage, what conversations to request, and how to ask for inclusion.
• Your Perspective Is Just One: Others may not realize the impact of their actions.
• Rely on Empathy: What might her colleagues be navigating?
• Stay Curious: Could she gently open a dialogue about what's happening?
Jonas: The Perfectionist Enforcer
Jonas, a program officer at HQ, works across countries with field teams. He's sharp, results-oriented—and often exasperated. He complains that others miss deadlines, make errors, and don't measure up.
But people are starting to avoid him. Feedback is filtered, and collaboration feels strained. And Jonas doesn't see how his rigidity is contributing to the pattern.
Relevant Principles for Jonas:
• Be Aware of Your Biases: He assumes he's the only one who cares enough.
• Don't Make It Me vs. Them: Collaboration is a shared responsibility.
• Know Your Goal: Is he aiming to be right or to build trust?
• Experiment to Find What Works: Could a softer tone or a curious question shift the dynamic?
When You're Somewhere In Between
Carmen and Jonas represent different patterns that can emerge in complicated work relationships. Most situations are complex, often shaped by mixed signals, pressure, or misunderstandings. The nine principles from Amy Gallo are a practical guide for navigating these challenges. They offer ways to regain clarity and act with intention—even when the behavior of others remains unpredictable or unchanging. Whether you're working with someone who feels dismissive, controlling, or just misaligned with your values, the goal isn't to win or endure—it’s to find a path that feels more workable, grounded, and aligned with how you want to lead—with clarity, dignity, and mutual respect.
If you find yourself in a dynamic that feels stuck, here are a few questions that can help you step back and reflect:
Try This
If you're navigating a difficult work relationship, here are some questions you might ask yourself, rooted in the principles shared above:
1. Focus on What You Can Control
What’s actually within my influence here?
What expectations have I placed on this person that may need to shift?
What can I do to feel more grounded, even if the situation doesn't improve right away?
2. Your Perspective Is Just One Perspective
What story am I telling myself? What else might be true?
What might the other person be assuming or experiencing that I haven’t considered?
If a neutral third party described this interaction, how might it sound?
3. Be Aware of Your Biases
What assumptions am I making about this person’s intent or capacity?
Could my past experiences be shaping how I’m interpreting their behavior?
Is there something I’ve stopped seeing because I’ve already made up my mind?
4. Don’t Make It “Me vs. Them”
Am I approaching this as a competition or a conflict?
What would a shared success look like here?
Have I acknowledged any common goals or values we both care about?
5. Rely on Empathy to See Things Differently
What might they be protecting, fearing, or trying to manage?
If I weren’t taking this personally, what would I see differently?
How might they be experiencing me in this dynamic?
6. Know Your Goal
What am I actually trying to achieve in this situation?
Am I clear about my intention, or hoping they’ll just get it?
What would a “good enough” outcome look like—not ideal, but workable?
7. Avoid Gossip, Mostly
Am I sharing this to gain insight, or just to feel justified?
Who am I talking to, and are they helping me reflect or reinforce my frustration?
What would I do differently if I had more clarity, rather than more sympathy?
8. Experiment to Find What Works
What have I tried so far? What else is worth testing?
Is there a lower-stakes way to shift how I respond and observe what happens?
Could a change in tone or timing open up a different kind of interaction?
9. Stay Curious
What questions haven’t I asked—about them, the system, or myself?
What would I learn if I paused my assumptions and listened differently?
What might I uncover if I let go of needing a clear answer right now?
These nine principles don’t offer instant solutions, and they’re not meant to—but they do offer a steadying lens. They help us move from reaction to reflection, from stuckness to possibility. When the situation feels like it won’t change, they remind us that we can still choose how we respond—and that sometimes, that choice is enough to shift the dynamic, even subtly.
You don’t have to resolve everything. And this isn’t about fixing or managing people to be easier to work with. Most dynamics won’t shift simply because we think they should. Expecting others to change on our terms—because it would feel more comfortable—is frustrating and maybe a little pretentious! It overlooks the complexity of who they are and what they might be navigating.
What is possible, though, is choosing how you want to participate. That might mean setting firmer boundaries, stepping back from overexplaining, or deciding not to carry emotional weight that isn’t yours. And when things still feel stuck, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means the work becomes about discernment: protecting your energy, respecting your values, and responding in ways that feel steady, clear, and self-respecting.
While this reflection focuses on what’s within our influence, it’s also important to recognize when a dynamic goes beyond the interpersonal. When someone is dealing with discrimination or systemic inequity, the responsibility doesn’t lie with them to manage or repair it. Those situations require structural attention and collective accountability, not personal adjustment.