One Word That Changes Feedback
By Sophie Makonnen
Feedback is one of the most powerful tools for growth. It’s also one of the trickiest to deliver. We’ve all been on the receiving end of feedback that felt discouraging, even when the intention was positive. Sometimes, the difference comes down to a single word… “but.”
Swap “But” for “And”
Example (less effective): “You handled the presentation well, but you spoke too fast.”
Example (better): “You handled the presentation well, and slowing down a little will make it even stronger.”
Why it works: “And” links what went well with what can improve. It doesn’t erase the positive; it builds on it.
Swap “Why” for “What”
Example (less effective): “Why did you do it that way?”
Example (better): “What led you to approach it that way?”
Why it works: “Why” can feel accusatory, putting people on the defensive. “What” is curious and invites explanation.
Swap “You need to” for “How about”
Example (less effective): “You need to include more data.”
Example (better): “How about including more data?”
Why it works: “You need to” can feel top-down and commanding. “How about” invites collaboration and suggests easier to receive.
Why These Swaps Matter
Keeps trust intact → The person feels recognized, not dismissed.
Encourages growth → Improvement feels like the next step, not a contradiction.
Strengthens your credibility → Thoughtful language signals that you’re serious about both respect and results.
A Simple Practice
Next time you give feedback:
Acknowledge something specific that worked.
Choose one small improvement area.
Pay attention to the words you use — could a swap make your message land better?
For example:
Swap “but” for “and” → “The proposal is creative, and clarifying the budget section will make it even stronger.”
Swap “why” for “what” → “What factors influenced your decision?” (instead of “Why did you decide that?”)
Swap “you need to” for “how about” → “How about highlighting the key finding on the first slide?” (instead of “You need to move that up front.”)
When Direct Feedback Works Better
Word swaps can make feedback easier to hear and more constructive. But there are moments when softening the message isn’t the right choice. Sometimes clarity requires being direct.
If a behavior is harmful, unsafe, or repeatedly discussed without change, gentle phrasing risks blurring urgency. For example:
Example (less effective): “You’re a valued team member, and consistently missing deadlines puts pressure on everyone else.”
Example (better): “Consistently missing deadlines is a problem we need to address.”
Direct language makes it clear the issue is serious and non-negotiable. In such situations, using alternative wording to cushion the impact could leave the other person unsure about the consequences.
Think of it this way:
Use word swaps when the goal is growth and encouragement.
Use direct feedback when the priority is accountability or safety.
The real skill in leadership is knowing the difference — when encouragement helps, and when clarity matters most.
A Reflection to Try
Next time you give feedback, pause for a moment and notice the words that naturally come to mind. Do you tend to default to “but,” “should,” or “you need to”? What impact might those choices have on how your message is received?
Then ask yourself: What simple shift could make this feedback land better? It might be replacing “but” with “and,” turning a “should” into a “could,” or softening “you need to” into a collaborative “how about.”
You don’t need to change every phrase overnight. The practice is simply becoming more aware of your language and experimenting with small adjustments. Over time, these shifts can transform not only how others perceive you, but also how you perceive yourself as a leader.
The Bigger Picture
Leadership isn’t about finding the perfect words every time. But small choices in language can transform how feedback is received. Swapping “but” for “and” is one of the simplest and most effective adjustments you can make.
Try it this week. One word might change not just your feedback, but the impact you have as a leader.
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