When Frustration Hits…..Stop
By Sophie Makonnen
Responding to Irritation Without Losing Authority
We’ve all experienced it. Someone makes a cutting comment in a meeting, or an email comes across as dismissive or unfair. Suddenly, you feel irritated. It’s tempting to respond right away to defend yourself or set the record straight. Quick replies can feel like a way to regain control, but they often make things worse. Your words might sound harsher than you intended, your email might seem colder, and a small issue can quickly turn into bigger tension.
As a leader, how you deal with moments of irritation is just as important as your skills. One of the best tools is to pause not for hours or days, but just for a few minutes. Taking a brief moment gives you time to regain your composure, think clearly, and speak with confidence.
Why irritation makes us react too quickly
Irritation makes us act quickly. It pushes us to respond right away, not because we have to, but because being fast feels powerful. When we answer fast, it can seem like we are taking back control.
But irritation is a loud emotion. It narrows our focus and makes things feel more urgent than they really are. That’s why we might say something sharp in a meeting or send an email too soon. The rush comes from the irritation, not the actual situation. Sometimes it even carries the fear that pausing means giving something up; your viewpoint, your habits, your certainty, or your power.
As I wrote in Emotions Are Data: Navigating Feelings for Empowered Leadership, feelings are signals that tell us something matters. Irritation is one such signal. Pausing doesn’t dismiss it; it simply keeps the signal from taking over the response.
For leaders, knowing the difference matters. Reacting quickly can look decisive at first, but later
For leaders, the distinction is between the impulse to react and the choice to respond. Some situations are truly urgent and call for immediate action. When it is not, irritation only makes it feel urgent. A quick reaction may look decisive in the moment, yet later it can come across as defensive or dismissive. What feels like standing your ground can, from the outside, look like losing it.
What a few minutes’ pause does
Taking a pause won't make irritation disappear, but it does change how you handle it. When you wait a moment, you move from reacting quickly to responding thoughtfully. Those few minutes give you space to let your words match what you really mean.
This links closely to my earlier blog Listening: The Communication Skill That Speaks Volumes. In it, I noted that sometimes we listen to reply rather than to understand. A short pause shifts that dynamic, creating room to hear what is really being said before you decide how to answer.
In a conversation, the pause signals presence. Instead of snapping back, you might take a breath, jot down a note, or simply let a short silence pass. What others see is not hesitation, but composure: the sense that you are weighing your words rather than being driven by the moment.
Pausing is even more obvious in email. If you write a reply and then read it again after a few minutes, you might notice your tone is harsher than you intended or that your message could be more balanced. Sending your email after this check feels more thoughtful and is usually better received. If time allows, you can even wait a couple of hours or until the next day before sending. You might be surprised how different the tone of the email feels after that distance. The pause is not avoidance. It is authority: a simple way of showing that you own your response, not your irritation.
How to practice a pause
It sounds easy to pause when you start to feel irritated, but it can be tough to do in the moment. Try building small habits that help you slow down before you speak or send a message.
During meetings, try taking a sip of water, writing down a quick note, or asking a question to clarify something. These actions give you a few extra seconds and show you are involved. If you feel more irritated, you might say, "That's an interesting point. Let me think about it for a moment." This shows you are being thoughtful instead of reacting right away.
When replying to an email, write your response but save it as a draft. After a few minutes, read it again and adjust the tone if needed. If the topic is sensitive, wait a bit longer and send it later, or even the next day if you can.
If you are in a conversation and can't leave, focus on breathing evenly while the other person talks. Taking a slow breath out can help you feel more steady before you reply.
The aim is not to hide your irritation (I don’t recommend in any fashion an outburst, and respect should always be part of the equation), but to keep it from taking control. These small pauses give you more room to respond with confidence and clarity.
Irritation is part of leadership. You can’t avoid it, and you shouldn’t try to pretend it isn’t there. What matters is what you do with it. A quick reaction often feels satisfying in the moment, but risks leaving damage behind. A pause of a few minutes, a few hours, or even a day, if time allows, gives irritation the space to cool and lets clarity take its place.
In the end, it’s not about speed but steadiness. A well-timed pause keeps your response aligned with your values and your authority, even in the moments that test you most.
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